Season of the Witch

No, seriously, it’s Nicolas Cage on a horse from his new movie “Season of the Witch”, not to be mistaken with that pseudo “Halloween” sequel that no one could figure out because, well, what the eff, right? “Season of the Witch” is a 14th-century supernatural thriller that has Cage playing a knight who just recently returned from the Crusades, only to have to deal with an evil sorceress played by British actress Claire Foy who is spreading some bad voodoo across the land. Cage is all, “But I’ve lost my faith and junk due to fighting in the Crusades, and now I gotta deal with this?” And everyone is like, “Dude, you gotta take the chick to some mountain and make her stop her evil ways,” and Cage is like, “Man, being a knight blows!”

Dominic Sena (”Swordfish”) directs, and here’s your first look at Cage on a horse from “Season of the Witch” courtesy of the chaps at USA Today.

My guess is that Cage’s knight falls in love with the witch and realizes she’s not the real cause of the bad hoodoo and they live happily ever after. Years later, people find out they’ve opened a hair plug shop in the mountains and are making a mint selling fake hair to people that, as it turns out, are not people hair, but are actually goat hair. They then get burned alive and some other people take over their shop. I could be wrong, of course.

Nic Cage vs. Witches in Season of the Witch

He was dangerous with a gun in “Bangkok Dangerous”, and now Nicolas Cage is dangerous with a sword in “Season of the Witch”, in which he’ll play a 14th century knight trying to help a girl accused of witchery get rid of her little problem. Obviously, this is the kind of role Cage was born to play. Um, well, not really, but you know, considering that this is Hollywood, and Cage will be directed by the flashy-to-a-fault Dominic Sena (who last directed Cage in the car masterpiece “Gone in Sixty Seconds”, known primarily as “the car movie where Angelina Jolie had dreads and still managed to look totally hot”), does it matter?

Ryan Kavanaugh’s Relativity Media and Atlas Entertainment are backing the project, with Atlas founder Charles Roven and partner Alex Gartner set as producers.

Cage plays a 14th century knight transporting a girl suspected of being the witch behind the Black Plague. His compatriots help him bring the girl to an abbey of monks trained in exorcising demons.

“Witch,” written by Bragi Schut Jr. (CBS’ “Threshold”), is set to begin production in early November in Austria and Hungary.

Cage is currently shooting the live-action version of Mark Millar’s teenage superhero movie “Kick Ass”, in which he plays the role of Big Daddy, father to teenage gut-slicer Hit Girl. That movie promises to be something you’ll remember, even if it ends up sucking. This one? Not so much.